CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

Ephesians 4:25-32, Gn. 2:18, 21-24; Ef. 5:21-31; Tito 2:4-5

There will be conflict in marriage, so we need to know how to face it. Hostility can be displaced, channeled, modified or repressed, but it cannot go away. It must be faced and decontaminated or else it will destroy us. The mark of maturity is to be willing to change for a cause.

The Bible mentions hostility or conflict that persists in marriage (Pr. 19:13, 21:19, 27:15-16, II Ti. 2:23-26). Very often cruel methods of torture are used: public criticism, frightening threats, intimidation, unpleasant sarcasm and hateful remarks aimed at detracting the spouse. These tactics are popular but they are bad because they are unjust and they never lead to domestic peace.

The majority of the fights are not clean: so none of the two wins but they both lose! In these fights, the partners resort to dirty, non-Biblical tactics, verbal and sometimes physical abuse.  Disagreements are a part of the marriage. We must be realists.

Contentment is not gained by ignoring ill feelings on the part of a mate. Peace is a fruit of the Spirit; this is not an unfriendly truce, but true peace. The objective of decontaminating hostility is to unite two loving mates into one flesh, not by a miracle but through candor and willingness to change.

HOW TO FIGHT (verbal exchange)

There are moments in which a couple is not in conditions to speak about serious or unpleasant matters. Postponing a fight by common consent is a fair way to fight. This protects against brining up past hurts and grievances. The couples who look for the appropriate and opportune time are wise. It should not be a long postponement.

Fighting by appointment helps the spouses to arrange their thoughts, give calm answers, and confine their remarks to the issue. If you are fighting by a pre-arranged appointment, your spouse may feel compelled to give a calm counter proposal. For example, if your wife/husband has done something which offended you, you may say, “Honey, this is not the appropriate time to talk about this.” “Let's talk about this tomorrow when the children are not present.” This also gives you time to be persuasive and time for the issue to cool. You may realize by tomorrow that it was just the heat of the moment; it was not a true offense.

RULES FOR A FAIR FIGHT

1. Establish and respect belt lines. Attacking a particular interest of your mate (for example: family, friends, religion, etc.) is unfair.

2. When the opponent hits below the belt, yell foul!

3. Never drive your spouse to the ropes and there will be no need for vicious counter attacks. Give them a way out.

4. Keep cool, more light and less heat.

5. Open lines of communication:

a. Set forth expectations clearly.

b. Be agreeable, don’t lay down the law.

c. Stay on the subject; leave out irrelevant material.

d. Don’t make your partner guess what you are thinking.

e. Don’t withhold information nor give false information.

6. Get his or her attention.

7. Prepare him/her to receive the message.

8. Give the message clearly and make it static free.

9. Stay on the subject!

10. Stimulate comments by proper responses.

11. Keep sex out of it.

PROBLEM SOLVING TECHNIQUES

Make every effort to live in peace (Heb. 12:14). We are not to strive for strife’s sake. We should give a soft answer (Prov. 15:1), but we must answer. Unwholesome talk should be put away in exchange for that which is good (Eph. 4:29).

Communication is the secret to staying in love. God requires every man to admit sin (James 1:14-15). I am tempted by my own lust; God is not responsible for my sin. I must not excuse myself for doing wrong nor shift the blame. The reason for doing wrong is my sinful nature.  

When the husband and wife are attacking each other the problem is unsolved. The correct technique for problem solving is that both partners should attack the problem. If you are attacking the problem and your husband is attacking you, you must then attack yourself. Say, “Yes, I am not what I should be, I do many things wrong…” It’s a very hard man who can continue in the face of that humility. Remember, you can get the last word and win the battle, but lose the war.

We must confess our sins to each other (James 5:16). This confession is to “publicly accuse self”. Repentance and confession bring reconciliation. Psalms 32, 38 and 52 tell of the sickness and torture of unconfessed sin and also of the relief and happiness of sin resolved. These psalms speak of symptoms we’ve all have experience.

Our confession must also be to God because all sin is against God. We sometimes think that a fight between a husband and wife cannot be classified as sin. If one has truly wronged the other or if one has ill feelings toward the other, truly there is “ought” against him (Matt. 5:21-24). Confession needs to be made.

Forgiveness involves forgetting. In asking for forgiveness, you place the burden of forgiveness upon the one against whom you have sinned. If your spouse says, “Please forgive me,” you must say, “I forgive you.” When you have genuinely forgiven an offender, you are never to bring it up again. By thinking or speaking of this sin against you (“I keep thinking of what he/she did.” “Every time I see him/she I think of it.”), the supposedly forgiven sinner is caused to suffer again for their sin.

God may choose to bring about consequences of this sin in order to accomplish His purpose in this life. But man does not have this right. Jesus atoned for his sin. No man or woman has the right to require further atonement. Forgiveness is a promise not to remember an offense again, and not to bring it up again.

A FRESH START

You need a fresh start, a new image as a husband/wife. You can begin by laying open you heart to your spouse, and telling them of your desire to be a better partner, and truly change the things that need changing. You must not speak in generalities but be specific. In a truly loving atmosphere nobody loses and everybody wins. Honest conflicts end with two loving mates closer than before.